Sunday, January 11, 2015

Acceptance.

Acceptance is the name of the game these days.  Acceptance of things including:

  • The limits of my control over life events
  • The randomness of the universe
  • The fact that not everyone has the strength or know-how to deal with shit, much as I might wish they did (this only makes me admire those that do have the requisite emotional badassery even more)
  • My inability to change or sway other people, even if for their own good

Although I have not written about all of them (mostly because many of the other stories are not mine to tell), this past year has been trying in more ways than one.  Losing Mila was the defining tragedy, probably of our lives, but we were also dealt illness in the family, the premature deaths of young friends, difficulty getting pregnant again for no discernible reason, and a light sprinkling of job upheaval and familial dysfunction.

Acceptance for me doesn't mean that I don't ever get sad, mad, worried, or frustrated about these things.  It just means that I can now stop and recognize that this is just the way it is, there are some things I can't change or control, the universe is big and we are small, and I have a limited number of fucks to give in my little life (please see: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck) so I better spend them wisely, on the things I can change.  That's often enough now to make any momentary sadness/anger/worry/frustration diminish.  It brings me back to what actually matters, to this moment, and to what I am able to do with it.

I think this makes me wiser than I used to be.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Atacama and Patagonia, part 4: Our trip in lists.

Lago Nordenskjöld.
Things that taste even better on the trail than in real life.
  • Beer.
  • Coke (ice cold Coca-Cola normal - straight-up real-ass sugar, not diet, not Zero, none of that funny business).
  • Oreos.
  • Chicken soup with rice.
  • Ritz crackers with turkey.
  • Queso-flavored Kryzpos (Chilean Pringles).
  • Cheesy Bugles.

Things that looked like they would taste good on the trail, but unconfirmed.

  • Pasta with hot ketchup.  (Probably disgusting in real life, but looked seriously ah-mah-zing when huddled in the chilly evening at Campamento Torres after four days of heavy trekking in the woods.)

Food items we wished we had.

  • Salt.
  • Tabasco.
  • A teeny, tiny bottle of Sriracha.

Books I read during and in preparation for this trip.

Instances of logistical fuckery and loosey-gooseyness in Argentina (a.k.a., reasons why I probably don't have the constitution to live in Argentina).
  • In El Chaltén, "The bus is coming any minute now" means "The bus is broken down and will be an hour late."
  • People will accept American dollars, but at the rate of anything from 8.5 pesos to 12 pesos - you just have to ask and hope.
  • The shuttle bus from the plane to the airport terminal will drop you off 40 feet short of the actual entrance, for no apparent reason.
  • If your boarding pass says you are on flight 4431, but the monitor says it is flight 4430, don't worry.  Close enough.
  • If the monitor says your stuff is coming at baggage carousel 6, it's actually at baggage carousel 5.
  • Airport sandwiches are nearly good - only one day expired!
  • "The computer won't print your connecting boarding pass for some reason; you can just print it when you get to Santiago" means "I accidentally cancelled your reservation, don't feel like fixing it, and by the time you find out in Chile, it won't be my problem anymore."

Our packs, protected by our fluffy Llama in the Sky.

Related posts:
First birthday.
At the end of the world.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 1: The Atacama Desert.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 2: Torres del Paine.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 3: Argentina.

Atacama and Patagonia, part 3: Argentina.

On the bus to El Chaltén.
Few things are better than your first shower after a backpacking trip.  We returned to Puerto Natales from Torres del Paine with a sack full of irredeemably dirty laundry and flies buzzing around our ripe heads, and headed straight for our shower at Hotel Indigo.

My favorite thing about Hotel Indigo: it does away with the tiny bar soaps and mini toiletries, and instead equips its rainfall showers with full-size bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and liquid soap.  This setup could not have come at a better time.

The next day we boarded a six-and-a-half hour bus ride bound for El Calafate, Argentina.  The ride was long, stuffy, and smelly, and made even longer by two immigration stops at the Chile-Argentina border, so I entertained myself by watching pasture after pasture of sheep go by, seemingly without end, and preparing to do my part by eating some lamb.  My memory of that bus ride is endless sheep.

Rolling into El Calafate was a rude awakening.  I had pictured an idyllic little nothing town, but it almost felt like being in Berkeley.  There were pizza joints, rental car places, tour agencies, a North Face store, a Patagonia store, and an overpriced bookshop.  Places were packed and there was not a single Perito Moreno glacier tour or rental car to be had for the next day.  I missed the emptiness of Puerto Natales and dusty red compactness of San Pedro, but we made the best of our unplanned rest day with a cheap but excellent bottle of malbec, some kind of half-sweet dulce de leche spread on breakfast toast, and cordera patagonica served over coals at La Tablita, that tasted almost more like suckling pig or carnitas than lamb.

El Chaltén.
The following day we got on a double-decker bus to El Chaltén, snagging the top front row for premier views of the three-hour ride.  Unfortunately it was overcast and spitting rain on the drive in, so there wasn't much to see beyond the borders of the town.  El Chaltén was built in 1985 and calls itself the trekking capital of Argentina.  Sure enough, the town is tiny, only half-paved, and its main strip consists of services for hikers and climbers: gear shops, hostels, coin laundromats, and a sparsely-stocked supermercado containing primarily dry pasta.  We settled into the treehouse-like room on our hilltop hotel and hoped for good weather for our New Year's Eve hike to Cerro Torre.

The fat caracara.
I could hear rain pounding against our windows even before I opened my eyes the next morning.  Not a good sign for the last day of 2014.  We went to breakfast, hoping the rain would clear out.  It did, a bit, but as we walked the two hours to Laguna Torre, hoping for at least partial views of Cerro Torrre, it only got colder and rainier.  We arrived at the end of the trail to see a gray lake and a glacier in the distance obscured by shroud of mist.  A few other hikers sat around the lake, their rain shells zipped up to the chin, munching rather miserably on their snacks.  An unafraid white-throated caracara (a type of falcon), fat on hiker cracker crumbs, touched down among us.

Thwarted, we returned to town.  After a shower and a nap, we woke to a surprise: blinding sun which lit up, for the first time since we'd arrived in El Chaltén, the Fitz Roy range for which the town is named.  We went to the local cervezeria for empanadas and locro, a thick stew of hominy, beef, and bacon - and, fortified, then climbed up to the mirador just above the town.  Overlooking El Chaltén and Fitz Roy beyond it, we popped a bottle of cheap bubbly, toasted the end of 2014, and waited for the sun to set below the mountains before climbing back down.  We spent the hour before midnight in our bed, drowsily watching a South Park marathon in our darkened room.  I must have fallen asleep, because the sound of shouts and cheers outside woke me.  We exchanged New Year's wishes and a kiss, and fell back asleep.

View from Mirador Los Condores.
New Year's Day dawned even clearer and calmer than the evening before, with barely a wisp in the sky or a breath of wind.  Climbers who had been waiting for weeks to scale the face of Fitz Roy sprang into action, and the locals told us that a day like that came at most three or four times a month.  D and I set off towards Laguna de los Tres, the glacial lake at the foot of Fitz Roy, in what would be our longest trek day of this trip - seven and a half miles up, through forest, hugging hillsides, and straight up the last scramble; and seven and a half miles back down to town.  We got our first unobstructed view of Fitz Roy about an hour in.  It was huge, immediate, and didn't even look real.  The spires of the range thrust out of the ground arrogantly, without context, visible and unmistakable for miles around.

On the way to Laguna de los Tres.
After a hard (for me) scramble up to Laguna de los Tres, we stood at the edge of the lake and looked straight up at Fitz Roy's face.  No matter how close or far we stood from it, its hugeness seemed unchanged.  In both photos and in reality, it looked like a green screen.  The sun was intense up there, without shade or cloud cover to temper it, beating down insistently into my skin and eyes.  I thought happily about what I'd already accomplished in 2015, and smiled.

Feliz año.

Fitz Roy.
Related posts:
First birthday.
At the end of the world.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 1: The Atacama Desert.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 2: Torres del Paine.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 4: Our trip in lists.

Atacama and Patagonia, part 2: Torres del Paine.

View from the Glacier Grey mirador.
The W route in Torres del Paine.
(view at full size)
The day before Mila's first birthday, we got on a van and a plane and a bus to get to Puerto Natales.  Puerto Natales is the gateway to Torres del Paine at the southern tip of Chile, where we planned a kind of spirit walk along the W route from west to east, stopping and making camp for four nights along the way.  Like San Pedro de Atacama, Puerto Natales is a small town, but instead of hot dry red dust and sunshine, it was all misty windblown emptiness along a bay dotted with black-necked swans.  We stayed in a little b&b on an isolated point a couple miles outside of town, and lit Mila's yahrzeit candle around 11PM that night, shortly after the sun went down.

D and Gustavo, the stern-faced proprietor of our b&b, spent the next day applying pressure to our airline trying to get our packs back after they had been separated from us in transit.  Gustavo warned us that the last guest who had lost his bags had waited for five days before they were returned.  I sat in the living room looking out the panoramic windows, anxiously hoping that our luggage snafu wouldn't cause the cancellation of the centerpiece of our trip, listening to the wind, watching the horses gallop around the field next door, and writing this post.  Mila's candle kept a comforting vigil all day, a stoic little presence in our room unruffled by the screaming winds outside or luggage logistics.

Puerto Bories in Puerto Natales.
As dinner approached, a van pulled up to the b&b with our packs - a birthday miracle!  D and I did a happy luggage dance, proclaimed it a narrowly averted disaster, and had celebratory dinner and drinks.  As it got dark, we packed and got ready for our last night in a real bed and the official close of one year.  I waited for Mila's candle to burn out at the twenty-four hour mark, but by the time I climbed into bed that night, it was still burning.  I answered well wishes from friends and shut down my phone, and it was still burning.  I closed my eyes but I hardly slept that night.  At 2AM, 3AM, 4AM, I cracked open an eye and saw the warm glow from Mila's candle continuing to cast a flickering circle of candlelight on the ceiling.  It was still burning when we woke up early the next morning, going on thirty-two hours.

Bridge to Campamento Italiano.
We left the b&b and a few hours' bus ride and catamaran ride later, we disembarked at our starting point at Refugio Paine Grande, at the bottom of the first stroke of the W.  It was a clear afternoon but tremendously windy.  The wind howled in my ears, blowing away all other sounds and the warmth of the sun, and pushing me from side to side along the trail.

The first couple of days on the trail felt hard.  My pack was heavy.  My new boots still pinched.  The winds pushed me off course.  The trail was rocky and uneven.  I was footsore.  I was too cold and then too hot.  I wasn't yet familiar with all my gear.  Although our first two days were our shortest, it felt like it took forever to get to our first two camps.

Lago Grey.
That first day we hiked up to Refugio Grey to get to the true "start" of the west-to-east W route.  I limped in, feeling a little desperate as I saw the roof of the refugio finally appear among the trees.  I hauled myself up the steps onto the deck and set down my pack with relief as D went into the office to secure a campsite.  I was stuffing a Clif bar into my mouth when D returned and told me he had discovered the refugio was hosting a "buffet sorpresa de Navidad" for Christmas Eve.  I'd forgotten it was Christmas Eve.  There were a few spots left for the feast, which he snatched up.  When you're in the woods and someone asks you if you'd like chicken, beef, or lamb, you accept.  All three.  We pitched our tent, got changed, and crowded into the packed lodge dining room with our fellow campers, where the staff had laid out a huge spread of salads, roasted meats, rice, and boxed wine.  It started out civilized enough, but soon ravenous hikers were going up for thirds and fourths and dessert, elbowing, self-serving, and pulling progressively larger chunks out of what one of the servers told D was supposed to be purely decorative bread.

The second day we backtracked back down to Refugio Paine Grande and continued along the bottom of the W to Campamento Italiano.  I was still feeling slow and sore, and when we arrived at camp and saw signs that the next leg of our hike into Valle Francés - the middle stroke of the W - was closed due to inclement weather, I secretly thought it might not be so bad if we didn't have to go.

View from the first mirador in Valle Francés.
Bound for Campamento Torres.
D, however, wouldn't hear of not completing the full W.  The morning of the third day he pestered the guardaparque for updates.  Shortly after 8AM the trail into Valle Francés reopened, though the guardaparque warned us that there might be snow, rain, and not much of a view.  We hiked into Valle Francés with a Dutch couple, Maartje and Gert, who had pitched their tent next to ours at Campamento Italiano.  It was blustery and snowing in the valley that morning, and parts of the trail were steep boulder scrambles.  But despite the poor visibility and chill, once we arrived at the midpoint of the W something clicked.  As we climbed back down and moved on towards Refugio Los Cuernos, the weather started to clear and pulled back to reveal high mountaintops, deeply aquamarine glacial lakes, stony beaches, and rolling meadows covered end to end with round yellow shrubs.  My pack started to feel lighter as I got used to carrying the load, and I liked the feeling of carrying everything I needed on my back.  My footing felt more secure.  I loved walking the dirt paths through the woods and drinking straight from the glacial streams.  Our tent gradually started to feel more roomy as we figured out the best configuration of our stuff.  We saw wildlife - eagles, mice, and a bare-assed couple near Refugio Los Cuernos who looked to be about to start shooting a trailside porn with a selfie stick.


On the shore of Lago Nordenskjöld.
Heading from Refugio Los Cuernos to Campamento Torres.
At the end of each day there was camp, a hot meal that D would cook up on our camp stove, and faces that started to become familiar --  Chileans, Israelis, Germans, the Cocky American Bitch with her henpecked husband (who we saw at every campground where we stopped, but never, ever saw on the trail), and Maartje and Gert, who we kept running into all through TDP, and later, in Argentina.  And at the end of the evening, there was my sleeping bag in the warm tent with D.

D, my búho espíritu, at the base of Las Torres.
The fourth day was our longest day, hiking roughly twelve miles mostly uphill from Refugio Los Cuernos to Campamento Torres, where we planned to sleep and get up early the next morning to hike the last ascent to the mirador at the base of Las Torres.  Campamento Torres was a cool and shady campground with a small clear brook running through it.  We arrived there mid-afternoon, ahead of the wave of other campers, and pitched our tent in a private spot next to the brook, where we stashed a few beers D had sherpa'ed up from Refugio Chileno.  We changed into our night clothes and dozed off for a few hours.

Around 6PM, D rustled out of the tent to look around.  I was dreaming of hot chili and Oreos for dinner, with my brain solidly in end-of-the-day mode, when he returned, poked his head into the tent, and exclaimed that it was clear enough to see Las Torres and that we should go - now.

I scrambled to get my hiking clothes back on and get my head back into gear.  D stood waiting for me in the sun-dappled woods at the campground entrance, and as I approached, he looked, to me at least, like some kind of forest spirit guide.  I told him so, and he said, "Yeah, some people thought I was the campground greeter or something."

The beginning of trail to the base of Las Torres wound through the woods, scattered with the occasional rocks and roots.  We crossed small bridges over shallow, bubbling streams.  We passed maybe a hundred people who were climbing their way back down.  The trail wound around and up, and after about 20 minutes we rose above the trees and the trail changed from dirt to small rocks.  As we ascended, the rocks grew larger.  The last part of the ascent was a scramble over a large rock field, scattered with stones ranging in size from as small as a fist to some as large and flat as a dining table.  We picked our way over the boulders, turned a corner, and there they were.

Mist floated around the top of Las Torres, but we could see all three of the towers as well as the glacier whose snowmelt cut crevices into the rock and fed into a crystal blue lake in a basin at the foot of the towers.  We'd come after the rush, and the place was nearly deserted.

We found a big flat rock to sit on, pulled on our gloves and jackets against the cool breeze, cracked open a beer, and just looked.  I thought about what it meant to have made it to Las Torres after roughly fifty miles on foot, following the trail through uphill and downhill, through switchbacks and backtracking, through forest and meadow and rock field, and to feel like I could still keep going.  I thought about what it meant to have gone through a whole year without Mila, and to be still alive and strong and able to laugh.  I felt 2014 gradually stitching itself closed and wondered what would come in 2015.  We stank, we were hungry, and we were happy.

After a time, the sun broke through the mist.  It shone brightly through two of Las Torres and lit up the lake below.  The beam hit the middle of the lake, dispersed across the water, intensified for a bright minute, and then faded away again behind the mist.  I don't know if that was Mila, but in any case I like to think there's a little bit of her in everything beautiful: every soft breeze, every tree in the woods, every wildflower, every rolling hill, every mountain range, every stone, every stream, every calm blue lake, every mighty ocean, every great glacier, every starry sky, every sunrise, every sunset.


Related posts:
First birthday.
At the end of the world.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 1: The Atacama Desert.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 3: Argentina.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 4: Our trip in lists.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Atacama and Patagonia, part 1: The Atacama Desert.

Driving through Reserva Nacional Los Flamencos.
Rather than muster up forced cheer during Mila's first birthday, D and I decided to get out of Dodge this holiday season.  We spent two and a half weeks in Chile and Argentina, avoiding the big cities and instead rolling into remote towns sitting alone among vast deserts and on the doorsteps of Patagonian national parks at the end of the world.

It was beautiful.

Sunset over Valle de la Luna.

After several hours of travel and stops in Phoenix, Dallas, Santiago, and Calama, we began our journey in the Atacama Desert.  The Atacama Desert is a 600-mile long plateau west of the Andes, consisting of active volcanoes reaching 20,000+ feet in elevation, rich copper mines, salt lakes, sand dunes and canyons, and packs of guanacos and vicuñas.  It is the driest non-polar desert in the world, with some areas getting less than a hundredth of an inch of rain each year.  We stayed in San Pedro de Atacama, a tiny town perched on the cusp of becoming a serious tourist destination.  It sits at 7,900 feet in elevation, is filled with adobe buildings and packs of very polite stray dogs, and has beautiful pink sunset skies.

Flamingos in the Tara Salt Flat lakes.
The daylight hours were long.  We spent them driving down two-lane roads and across roadless desert expanses to visit the Monjes de Pacana and marshy lakes of the Tara Salt Flats; biking against the wind in the shadow of the volcano Lascar to float effortlessly in salty Laguna Cejar; and listening to the cracking and shifting, quieter than the wind, of the unstable sand structures in the barren Valle de la Luna.  Besides some domesticated llamas, a few vicuñas, and an affectionate ranch donkey, we saw precious little life.  We'd bike for miles along dry roads and pass a lone tree, the sole shady oasis for miles around.  The wind would whip plumes of sand into our exposed arms and legs, and we'd later find grains crunching between our teeth and in our ears.  We ate a little bit of the Moon Valley.

At Valle de la Luna.
In the evenings we'd relax and catch up on the internet and sometimes TV before a late dinner.  While we were in the Atacama, The Colbert Report aired its last show.  Knowing it was ending made me a bit sad.  Last December and January, watching Stephen Colbert was one of the very few things that made me feel more normal.  For a long time nothing could really make me laugh, but sometimes the show got me to crack a rueful smile, and I could feel it helping to settle and rearrange the disarrayed things in my soul, just a little bit.

Once the sun went down we'd head into town to eat pollo asado and drink piscolas, and looked up at the moonless sky.  As our eyes adjusted to the darkness, the high, clear, dry atmosphere opened our view to an eternity of stars, clusters, comets, and planets, spread as if with a liberal hand from horizon to horizon - a nightly reminder of how small we are, and how huge and encompassing the space through which we move.

The starry southern sky.
Related posts:
First birthday.
At the end of the world.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 2: Torres del Paine.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 3: Argentina.
Atacama and Patagonia, part 4: Our trip in lists.

Unpause.

I had so many Big Feelings for the first several months of last year.  Grief yes, but also intense love and gratitude.  But as the year wore on and didn't bring much good news with it, the big feelings shrank and twisted into smaller, uglier feelings.

It didn't seem worth recording my small mean self-pitying thoughts for posterity, so I haven't been.  I won't lie, though, I definitely had them and sometimes still have them.  At their worst they caused me to have moments of physical anxiety.  I'd be driving to work and suddenly feel my pulse racing and feel as if I couldn't get a deep enough breath.  I didn't want to do anything that would etch those thought patterns deeper into my brain.

So I paused from the blog and just tried to live my life.  I read, got out with friends, worked.  I went fishing and crabbing with S and L, and we screamed with delight and sometimes terror upon any kind of catch or wildlife spotting.  (We saw a great white shark pass not four feet below our small boat.)  I signed up to volunteer at the SF SPCA and ogled the puppies.  I did -- am doing -- a lot of vinyasa yoga with M, which I think truly helps me get out of my own head.  By the time every class ends and I collapse into savasana, dripping sweat, I am too wiped to feel or think anything but how wonderful it is to lie flat on the ground, palms up, mind and body quiet.  I love it when the instructor sounds a singing bowl into the silence, the hum of infinity ringing quietly in my ears, the only sound I can hear.  I love when the instructor opens class with a little lecture on mindfulness or oneness, and says at the close of the class, "The light in me sees and recognizes the light in you."  And I love love love going to eat pho with M after class.  We show up at pho joints all over the city with crazy sweat hair and hands smelling like rubber yoga mat, and hoover broth and noodles and jalapeños into our mouths and exclaim over how lovely it all is.  And finally, D and I were lucky enough to be able to go to South America on an amazing, challenging, nature-filled, life-affirming trip over Mila's first birthday and the holidays, which I will write about shortly.

I think, I think I am somewhere different than I was even as recently as September.  It's 2015 now, and I am eyeing it warily, but hopefully.