This is how it is.

I was talking with C recently, about dark times in our lives and what we can learn from them.  She wondered aloud, would she wish away those experiences, knowing now how much she's learned and grown from them?  She concluded, no.  They made her who she is now.

For me, that question is more complicated than I think she meant it to be.  I would never, never wish away Mila.  I would always choose to give up whatever wisdom I've earned -- I would willingly be less zen, less empathetic, less aware, less grateful -- in favor of keeping her.  At the same time, I can't wish away any kids we have in the future, either -- I want all of my kids, even though they are probably mutually exclusive.  It's enough to tie a person into existential knots.

I think, though, that this is a useless mental exercise.  What does it matter what I would choose?  I don't get to choose and I don't get to go back.  All of these things have happened.  They made me who I am now.  That's all there is.