Appearances.

I posted a selfie of myself in a US soccer jersey the other day to cheer on the USMNT in the World Cup.  As I was looking at it later, I thought to myself,

Hey, I look pretty cute!

My hair happened to fall neatly, my skin was clear, my eyes smiled (I smized), the camera angle was flattering, and my teeth were looking particularly white.  It occurred to me that a stranger looking at that picture might think I hadn't a care in the world.  Someone might wish, enviously, to have as lighthearted a life as I.

Obviously, all is not what it appears on the surface.  For everyone.  But it's hard to remember that when we watch people appearing to swan through their lives (Gym! Vacation! Party! Family reunion! Promotion! Hilarious joke! Food! Wedding! New job! Getting crunk! House! Baby!!!!).  I suppose that's one of the reasons I write this blog, and intersperse it among the gym, vacation, party, etc. posts that also populate my Facebook timeline.  My life has both good parts and hard parts.

I read this account recently by the founder of the failed startup 99dresses.  She writes about how close she came to making it work; all the setbacks she faced; and how powerless, ashamed, and isolated she felt when it finally failed after four years.  She writes:

I was hard pressed to find anything that talked about the emotional side of failure — how it actually feels to invest many years of your life and your blood, sweat and tears, only for your startup to fall head first off a cliff.  Maybe it’s because most founders are men, and men generally don’t like talking about their feelings.  Maybe it’s because failure is embarrassing.

I'm not an entrepreneur, but that spoke to me.  I relate to the feeling of being isolated and ashamed because something didn't work out for me, despite all my best efforts; and wondering why other people aren't open about it even though I can't possibly be the only person that has happened to.  People just are bad about talking about hard things in general: death, yes, but also failure, shame, self-doubt, unhappiness, regret, anger, loneliness - even though these things are universal.  So I appreciate that she wrote about it.


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P.S.  But if there are people who really are just swanning through their lives without a thought to other people's difficulties, congratulating themselves on how "blessed" they are:

Fuck you. :)