Someone different.

I'm at 22 weeks -- a full five months pregnant -- as of this past Monday. Things are starting to feel less abstract now that I'm showing and that we know that the Nut's a girl. It also helps that her kicks and punches are getting stronger, sometimes vigorous enough that I can see my belly jump a little.

I remember Mila's movements at this time. She'd swish around after I'd eaten and press against the seatbelt while I drove. D had just felt her move for the first time. The Nut is at least as vigorous in her movements, maybe even a little more decisive in her punches, but her patterns are different. I feel her the most when she kicks into the bed as I drift into or out of sleep in the mornings and evenings. There really is someone in there! And it's someone different.

It's been over two years since Mila was conceived, and sometimes I really feel that time. People have gotten pregnant, had first babies, had first and second babies, in that time. I have this book, Trying Again, that I bought almost a year and a half ago in (apparently overzealous) anticipation of a second pregnancy. I haven't even touched it since I got pregnant with the Nut. There was such a long pause between Mila's birth and the Nut's conception that a lot of the issues that the book addresses just don't feel relevant to me anymore. I've already had the chance to come to some sort of acceptance about Mila. I don't confuse the two babies, or half-wish that the Nut will be a "replacement" for her. I don't keep myself awake at night feeling terrified, for the most part.

If anything, I sometimes feel that I have to retread old ground to get myself back to the mental place where I was at the end of 2013, ready to transition from life with just me and D (and the pup) to life as a mom with a brand-new baby. That's been a surprise to me, but I guess it is of a piece with everything else. This is a different baby, a different pregnancy. She will have a different name and parents who have a different perspective. I will prepare a different nursery for her, and a different space in my head and heart for her. That space will be close to Mila's, but it'll be the Nut's own.